So . . . I made a blog.
SHIT HAPPENS ALRIGHT?
Don't be h8in' on me or
I will hunt you down in the dark of the night, and I will do unspeakable things to your precious immortal soul.
I don't know what I am doing. I assume I'll update this with random atrocities and violence against noobs.
Maybe I should give you some background info on me? Not that anyone cares, and if you do you're a creepy stalker. Which is so hot. If you are a stalker drop me a line & we can hook up. I'll tie you up with phone cord; and then we can play with whips, nipple clips, and candle wax. ^_^
So anyways, about me.
The first thing you should know is, I'm possibly the most powerful being in all of creation? I was born in
1620 B.C. on the island of
Akrotiri and I was named 'Elpha'. I was taught to write in what you morons call 'Cuneiform Script' so that's why my grammar and spelling is weird. When I was 20, my BFF Lytta betrayed me in the most heinous way possible. To cut a very very long story short - I opened a
pithos that I was told not to, and then became the living embodiment of pain, suffering and misery. Most people usually die . . . but I decided to have this power for myself, so naturally, I hunted down my former best friend and had her ripped apart by rabid dogs.
After this, I decided to decimate most of Greece for the lols, and began a
firey rampage throughout all the royal palaces I could find. Unfortunately, the Gods didn't take kindly to my activities, and made
Lytta into an immortal spirit destined to constantly fight me through reincarnations in every generation, until she eventually wins and condemns me to a special cage in
Tartarus. I hope she never reads this or I'm going to have some serious explaining to do.
So after a
while, Lyssa caught up with me. We had a bit of an epic fight . . . caused a bit of damage . . . to cut a long story short - I murdered her again, but decided I needed more power. Through making deals with
various imps at the time I became as powerful as the Gods themselves. To fit my new status as the deity of discord, I chose a
new name for myself, and got along just fine with most of the Pantheon. However,
some people just
DON'T like me for
whatever reason, (
I think it's my astounding beauty) and so I wasn't invited to any of the family outings, or to the Olympic games or anything :(
Eventually I got tired of being uninvited to weddings and things, so the next time I was snubbed, I threw
an apple at the bitch goddesses who never liked me anyway, and ran off before they could see it was me. After a while, I was banished from Olympus for causing an
international incident and my powers were downgraded to that of
a mere sorceress.
While living out my exile on
my island, I decided that all men are pigs. I spent a good portion of my time on Aeaea transforming anyone that annoyed me into an animal, until I was forced to stop by Hermes. Which was really unfair, because I enjoyed doing that. :( This is where my intense love of wine and cheese parties stems from - the only source of amusement on that drab little rock. How appropriate that merely a few milleniums later, I would be having them still,
On the Moon.
Eventually I escaped my exile, but by this time, a whole load of shit had happened. Greece had been surpassed by the Roman Empire, Egypt was getting all up in their face, and a whole tonne of craziness was going on in Persia. I decided enough was enough, and left the physical plane to go hunting for
Great Old Ones in the void beyond the Outer Gates. I was mostly succesful in this endeavour, I managed to swallow enough Elder God's souls to become more powerful than I had previously been, which is always a good thing. To test out my powers I decided it'd be funny to troll one of the
triumvirs who was having a fling with the Queen of Egypt, so I possessed her, and
made him look like a noob in front of a banquet of people.
Eventually I got bored with petty things like that, and decided it was time to destroy the world, unfortunately I was stopped by the untimely return of Lyssa, whose destiny was locked solidly into place despite the twilight of the Olympian Gods. I don't know how she managed to do so, but Lyssie somehow bound my powers and kicked me out of the mediterranean, into this
hideously cold little island in the north of the world. While I was there, I decided it'd be a good idea to
cause a few uprisings, and try to conquer the land. I would have gotten away with it to, if my army of noobs had been better organised.
Unfortunately, they weren't and I was taken captive. Luckily for me, the stupid priests trying to exorcise the unholy energies within me, managed to break Lyssa's charm, and I flew off as far west as I could. For the next decade or so I kept myself to myself in a castle I found in
this western country. The locals all feared me and started calling me
really mean names :( but to get my own back, every year or so I would demand human sacrifice, otherwise I would bring about the end of the world. I was never
really going to, I just thought it was funny to make these
nature-loving freaks burn their own people alive.
While I was here I had an affair with this hot young
Cambion who was so good at magic
(AMONG OTHER THINGS). It takes alot to impress me, but
this guy managed it. We were happy for a time. We would take turns making eclipses happen, or turning the neighbour's milk sour with a few words. Making the cheese come to life and hide in fun places. Telling the knives that they belonged in the throats of children, you know, fun things like that. Eventually, however, my sweet old friend Lyssa reared her fugly head, and while disguised as a
Naiad she tricked my beloved into teaching her magic.
Magic which she then used to entomb him in the trunk of a nearby tree, so he wouldn't be around to protect me.
I was away on
business in the Black Forest at the time, and wasn't able to save my beloved. When I returned home and found him encased in wood, I went
slightly insane. I murdered his
prodigy's sister and took her form as my own. One thing led to another and before you know it - I was raising a
mindless drone child to do my bidding. Some
bad things happened, resulting in the deaths of both father and son, which wasn't really my concern, since I only wanted to get my hands on his
precious sword. I took it to the water's edge and summoned my sweet old friend,
who foolishly thought her glamor could disgusie her from me, and then she ran into the blade. Thirteen times. As the light left her eyes I branded her spirit, so that her next re-incarnation would be visible to me.
For a few hundred years I was spared her ghastly presence. During this time I explored the world, defaced some
temples and
monuments, and genereally had a good few years. I even managed to take over Hell for a little while, which was kinda fun but got boring after a few decades. Until one
Walpurgisnacht, when the stars informed me that Lyssa's next incarnation had been born into the guise of a baby princess in one of the small kingdoms of Germany.
As soon as the child was old enough to vaguely remember her mother, I cursed the Queen with a
plague from the pithos of my youth, and made sure she died as soon as possible. When the child was almost thirteen, I appeared to her father in his castle, and enthralled him. The King was so easy to control, like a marionette! Within a month he believed he was in love with me, and within the year he asked for my hand in marriage. Before the week of the marriage was over, he lay dead in his bed. "
His heart stopped", they told the child. They were right, it
did stop. After I ripped it out of his chest and showed it to him.
The little brat princess had everyone's sympathy. I don't know why. I was the grieving widow. I had just lost my husband and been lumbered with an ugly little girl. But nobody even cared about poor Queen Elphahexen :( I barely remember what the girl's name was.
Schneewittchen I think. Anyway, she was a chubby, pasty, dark haired little skank, who constantly bit her lips until they bled. I couldn't stand the sight of her, but I didn't want to just snap her neck or throw her off the tallest tower of the castle. I wanted her to suffer. So I banished the castle servants, and forced Lyssie to work in their stead. Her clothes and toys were all confiscated and burned, to ward off the terrible plague, except for the hideous yellow dress she was wearing when she heard her one remaining parent was dead.
Over the next three years I became increasingly worried with my appearance. You spend over a thousand years in one body, and the signs of age start to show, even if you do devour the youth of others to stay young and lithe. I constructed a beautiful mirror, and enchanted it to let me speak with my beloved, still entombed in a tree. He was less than helpful, and refused to aid me in killing a little brat. He even went so far as to claim I was insane. Obivously, I hexed him to only tell me the truth from that moment on, and to only speak when I commanded him to. We spent many a good evening with him telling me how beautiful I was. Until one day, when that little brat Lyssa, just had to ruin my plans ALL OVER AGAIN.
"Thou dost know as well as I, that I may not speak any lie.
True my Queen, thou art quite fair, But Snow White has a greater pair."
I smashed the mirror.
I'm sure everyone is familiar with the story from this moment on. Those poor, simple fools with the mouse fetish had a pretty accurate portrayal of what happened. Except I was the one who was wronged. Not the little brat. I used my trusty apple once again, to ruin more lives, and I nearly got away with it too, but these little midgets chased me up a mountain and then it was raining, and I nearly crushed them with a boulder, but then I was hit by lightning and my body exploded.
FORTUNATELY! The atrocious evil and putrescent essence of what was once my soul, was barred from damnation in Hell, since I ruled it and all (woo job perks!), and with Lyssa in her sleeping death, nobody could banish me to Tartarus! So I managed to escape my fate by going underground. For a few hundred years.
I resurfaced back in the depressing little country formerly known as Albion, where I found that the current Queen was just as vicious and vain as myself. Apparently she had her own sister beheaded and from paintings I saw of her whilst possessing people, she clearly did not age! When I finally took control of her "weak and feeble" body I quickly realized she wasn't that great, and would probably die alot faster with the epitome of evil riding around inside her. Whups. Luckily for me, she knew this man who was really into communicating with Angels, Ghosts and Demons who was able to summon one of the imps (who were now Demons, wtf?) I had made a deal with previously, to see if it could help me out again. It told me there was a new land far accross the western sea, but for it to transport me there, it would need an immense sacrifice of innocent people.
Well, I didn't NEED his help, since I was already more powerful than him, and I could transport myself there in thirty seconds, however I am remarkably generous, so I decided to let loose another plague just before abandoning my host and fleeing to this new country. Apparently, the sweet old Queen I left behind was so influenced by my presence, and also desperate not to die from the illness I had caused, that she moved her entire court to my favourite castle, and then had a gallows built there, ordering anyone arriving from London to be hanged! ^_^ A girl after my own heart.
I spent a few good years ruling over these funny little Aztec people. I told them I was their chief sun god, and that if they didn't sacrifice each other to me, I would plunge the world into darkness. This was great for the lols, since their actual sun god was imprisoned in the centre of the sun, and couldn't do a damn thing to stop me. Eventually I grew bored of these people, and I turned on them when the Spanish arrived. Their entire civilization was wiped out very quickly, some of my best work. I was feeling particularly pleased with myself on the ship back to Spain, when Cortes had to go and get cursed by the real Aztec Gods, for stealing some gold. I was not amused, and I do not enjoy being cursed. I spent the next few hundred years in a very hot cave, entombed with purifying crystals, until the damned thing wore off when the gods lost their power.
This gave me WELL LOADS of time to reform my old body, which was finally completed looking as damn fine as it ever did before. To celebrate my new vessel, I decided to go to Russia, since I hadn't been there before. As you may be aware from my earlier statements . . . I have a problem with authority . . . especially Royal authority. In short, I won't be going back to Russia. Not after what happened last time. And then there was that creepy undead mad wizard who kept asking me out, and I have had enough wizards to last me a lifetime. To get rid of him I informed his enemies where he was, and then each time they killed him I stole some of his power, until eventually I had it all!
After the whole . . . accidentally causing a revolution thing in Russia, I decided to play it safe and go cause some havoc in Greece again. Upon my return however, the temples were gone and the gods were shunned. This was like, so not cool, because how was I supposed to steal their powers if they didn't have any? I was pondering this question, when I was attacked, out of the blue, by what I can only assume was a reincarnation of Lyssa. This time she was a big burly black woman with rabid eyes, she trapped me in a circle and banished me to a cave with some kind of voodoo mumbo jumbo. I was less than impressed.
Skip forward 60 years till there was an earthquake and WOOO I WAS FREE. By now everything was ridiculously new. Buildings were massive, Royalty was ridiculed, people zoomed around in tiny carts with no horses, there was so much chrome everywhere. It was like that time I went to that other dimension to hunt Elder Gods. I spent a while here, learning how all the crap that does stuff works. To pass the time when I was bored, I would convicne people they'd been abducted by aliens, set fire to castles, or steal priceless works of art and then sell it on the 'eBay' as a replica print.
In 2011 I killed another reincarnation of Lytta, who was parading around calling herself 'Loren Braveheart'. Her neck snapped like a promise. Currently I'm in a fairly good place. I have a bunch of people who worship me, immense riches from my bank accounts I made when the banks were young, and also a new mindless drone whose name is 'Renfield' but I have affectionately termed 'Waffle'.
Life's good at the moment. I'm friends with the latest reincarnation of Lyssa, she doesn't know about her destiny yet, hopefully it stays that way. So far the whole "keep my friends close, enemies closer" thing is holding up. So woo. Hopefully she'll never know. If she does I can always kill her boyfriend to crush her spirit.
^_^
And that's basically everything up till now. I left out some boring stuff since you don't need to know everything about me.
Unless of course you're a hot stalker.
;]
